Kenneth W. Chandler

We catch Jim Lehrer explaining the debate rules 10 minutes before it commences. He’s so respected that I imagine myself in that audience feeling threatened, yet somehow secure.

9:03 pm – First lie of the night – we overhear Obama say “good to see you John.” By the way, this is the only time John smiled or looked directly at Obama all night.

9:05 – Lehrer starts out strong – how do you stand on the financial crisis? – I feel like it’s similar to starting out Thanksgiving Dinner with, “so how are those loan payments coming.” Obama says something about Wall St/Main St. and oversight and depression…and…I was hoping for don’t collect $200 and go straight to jail while we were flirting with depressing clichés.

9:06 – Sadly Senator Kennedy is in the hospital says McCain; so not only am I trying to figure out how to get out of debt, but my kindly old uncle just mentioned my aunt, a stalwart of the family, is in the hospital. Man, good thing my beverage consumption is about equal to the number of minutes we’re in to this debate at this point.

Side note: CNN has squiggly lines going across the bottom of the screen that look like Atari 7800 circa 1986, yet, or perhaps because of that fact, me, nor the other 80’s babies in the room can take our eyes off of it. It’s either that or McCain’s heart rate monitor…in which case, I’m glad we’re keeping an eye on that…God help us if “Tina” Palin should find herself in his position. Aside: this is one of the few appropriate times I’ve found to mention God in this election.

9:07 – McCain also likes oversight and Wall St and Main St….and packages (he’s said that about 6 times in a minute). I don’t know what that’s about.

9:08 – Jim Lehrer’s gets us back on track and is ready to broker a deal. Unfortunately someone picked the wrong suitcase and left the rich banker at home. This leaves 300 million taxpayers and not 30 beautiful models to make this happen, damn.

9:09 – Obama informs us that he warned us two years ago because of lax regulation and the “subprime mess” that we’d find ourselves in this crisis. Man, he knew the war was a bad idea and he knew this was coming – he’s amazing – I’ve got more pertinent questions to ask him if that’s case…so when am I getting out of debt exactly Senator?

9:11 – People are going to be held account-able in McCain’s administration. Hopefully account-payable and account-receivable too? (Cuts to scene of McCain pulling out his abacus – this is what he went back to Washington for, right?)

9:12 – Lehrer wants to see a fight… “say it directly to him, say it directly to him”…ohh, snap. I agree though, this debate isn’t contentious enough.

9:15 – By saying “fundamental” incessantly as a predicate, will that make one believe in its subject more? Cause they love that word. I fundamentally believe that I’m wealthy and successful; there!

And then McCain referenced Senator Coburn; see, everyone, I really am conservative, he’s my friend; really, really conservative in a less overtly threatening way than Mike Huckabee that is.

9:16 – “John McCain is right”…so there are no [fundamental] differences between you two and the majority of Americans are going to vote for the candidate they like more and this forum isn’t particularly relevant…really? No, really? That’s shocking. Next time I want to know if they prefer Texas or North Carolina BBQ and which beers I should bring.

9:18 – Sweet, First Miss Congeniality reference of the night; don’t worry, there are more. McCain’s just trying to be hip except he’s failing because it’s not 2000. Besides, the McCain in 2000 wouldn’t vote for the McCain of 2008, right? So I’m not so sure I should listen to him. Who did win Miss Congeniality in the Senate by the way? An Independent Woman and not a Genie in a Bottle I hope?

9:23 – McCain just threw out “festooned” – oh no he di’int. Ok, he’s no longer +/- 8 years hip; we’re talking +/- 30 at this point.

9:27 – CNN’s squiggly lines tell me that Dem’s and Independents are enthusiastic about fixing our health care system (I think); coincidentally this parallels McCain’s rapidly increasing heart rate if you believe my theory.

9:31 – John’s still right. If I’m working for McCain’s campaign, this is my only commercial for the next month. Cut, splice, and air.

9:33 – I like Obama’s Hatchet vs. scalpel rebuke to McCain’s spending freeze comment. Really, the first thing I give Obama an extra point for on the night. Was this not an Aesop Fable? – the Tortoise and Hare; the Hatchet and Scalpel? I guess not.

9:38 – Ohh, Obama just gave McCain a “your president” line…sorta like a “your momma” joke, but better. This, naturally, gives McCain the opportunity to make another Miss Congeniality reference. He’s also a maverick if you haven’t heard. I need to think of a cool name to call myself just for the heck of it, even if it’s not true. Please leave [nice] submissions in comments section below.

9:40 – Ooh, finally a “fundamental difference” – Obama doesn’t like the War in Iraq and he voted against it. I like McCain’s comeback – “the next President of the United States is not going to have to address the issue as to whether we went into Iraq or not.” He’s right, we’re there now. Just because Obama voted against it, isn’t going to do much now. It’s sorta like people who still have Gore/Lieberman stickers on their cars. I get it, you voted for Gore, but that’s not going to change anything. This is similar to when your team’s down 25 in college basketball and a player on your team steals the ball and does a 360 slam dunk and you get sarcastic applause from the opposing crowd. Yay?

9:44 – Obama weakly responds to McCain calling him out for not asking for a meeting with Petraeus with something about being proud of Vice Presidential Pick, Joe Biden, and, oh yeah, John McCain is right again. It’s sorta like overtime in college football; they keep lining up at the 20 and kicking field goals. No one wants to win. Weak!

9:46 – They are arguing about tactics vs. strategy. Now what about strategy vs. strateegery?

9:50 – Half-way through, people are falling asleep; the CNN lines are flat-lining. “Clear!” “Clear!”

I love how CNN cuts to the Congressional Black Caucus watch party and the GOP watch party (a bunch of grey-haired women). Yes, this race is between a black man and an old guy if you have not caught on. Does this mean Obama only gets 12% of the vote?

I hope, during the VP debate, it’s all three people from Alaska in the same room with all the three people from Delaware. That’d be fantastic…for a minute.

9:56 – John is right — twice about Pakistan. Man, if foreign policy is my number one issue, I’m tempted to vote for McCain right now.

10:00 – Uh oh, McCain’s telling anecdotal stories; as my group determines, unfortunately for him, we know Bill Clinton, and he’s no Bill Clinton.

But we do learn that Obama and McCain both have bracelets from soldiers’ families apparently. I hope they’re slap bracelets. Want to increase voting turnout for 20-somethings? – more references to slap bracelets!

10:06 – To quote our current president: “Iran is not Iraq and Iraq is not Iran” that is all.

10:12 – McCain gives Obama another vocab lesson – precondition vs. preparation. He comes across as the old wise one, in a good way. McCain even gets a laugh out of the crowd at this point.

10:18 – Obama references a “cold war Russia” – man, those just now eligible to vote weren’t even around for a cold war Russia, weird.

10:21 – McCain now sounds old and dismissive – “Obama said both sides ought to show restraint” re: Russia v. Georgia – what’s wrong with that? Now he’s admonishing Russia like his grandkid; hmm, I’ve never taken kindly to being treated like a child, but sure, we can try that.

10:22 – Oh, there goes Mr. Clairvoyant again; Obama warned us about Russia back in April. It’d be great to be Obama’s best friend, no? Don’t go on a date with that person; don’t take that job…I’d totally listen to him right away; I usually wait till too late as it stands now.

And that’s it; I’m not sure what to make of it except for the fact that I bet about half the country likes Obama and half the country likes McCain. Meanwhile, Bush is at a backyard BBQ having a beer, watching football and taking it all in, because that’s all that matters.